AGAIN
by Reynsi
Summary: A character returns to Hollyoaks later this year. This fic shows him reflecting on his journey, past and future. Please leave comments.
1. Chapter 1

**AGAIN**

_Hollyoaks Village_!

It's weird looking around. Everything looks the same, yet so different. Same buildings, new colours, old and new shop signs. Some people I recognise, vaguely or well, others I don't. It doesn't matter, really. It's not what I'm focusing on as I walk those familiar streets.

I thought I'd never be back here. I mean, not like this, on my own, totally broken ... without _him_!How could he do this to us? I thought life had been good but then he totally ruined it. I mean, we'd been together for, what, four five years, depending on how you looked at it. And then all of a sudden he was gone ... I was gone. And he wasn't with me anymore.

What would mum say when she'd see me? "I told you so!"? "He was never right for you!"? I bet it's nothing nice about him, in any case.

I know I've thought the same thing. About him. That we weren't right.

Still, I know I still love him. Always have. And I know I'm wrong about him being wrong for me. He was … Correction, he _is_ right for me. And that's why I'm back here. To get him back!

_Again_!

To this day I don't understand why I left on that coach from Dublin. I mean, we were expecting our baby ... our son ... and I bottled it after he was born. Things had been weird between us for a while when he came up with this idea ... to have a baby.

I admit, I'd been a bit lost since my graduation. I mean, I did get a job right away, even with the recession and all, but it wasn't exactly what I'd been hoping for. It paid alright, though, and we had a good life, financially, even while he was still studying for his teacher's degree, but somehow I wasn't happy. I started going out with mates, more so than he could with all his college work, and most mornings I'd go to work hung over.

When he'd complain about my partying, I'd get irritated. Sometimes I'd bring up his drinking during those first few months in Dublin, but even when I didn't, I used it to justify my behaviour to myself – that I deserved a night out for suffering him at the time.

I _know_ I'm wrong, but that's just what I thought at the time. I'm trying to be honest here.

A baby was definitely not the solution, though. I know that.

Still, I'm sorry not to have been there for John Paul's … _our_ son. It's his first birthday today, you know. And I can't wait to finally see him – to be a part of his life.

I've finally come back to Hollyoaks. For him and _him_.

To get them both back!

_Again_!

He doesn't see me as I enter the McQueen house. _She_ does, however, my mum. She's there right in the middle of the McQueen's. Like she's one of them.

I hadn't expected that. Then again, I hadn't been in touch all that much since she called me about seeing baby Matthew for the first time. I know she adored him, but still I hadn't expected her to be a part of his life.

I can see now how wrong I was about her.

There she was, holding my son in one arm, with the other one around John Paul's waist, hugging him tightly towards her, giggling at him, just before she realises that I'm there.

Her face almost explodes with an avalanche of emotions – joy, surprise, shock, anger – making him turn to inspect the cause of her sudden change.

I'm taken aback by the look on his face.

The pale beauty is still there, and I feel a rush of emotions as I look into his eyes across the room. Tears well up in my eyes – it hurts to look at him. His beautiful eyes remain fixed on me and everything and everyone else in the room seem to disappear as our stare locks on each other.

I know it's only a short moment, but it feels like an eternity where little by little I realise other aspects of his expression. He looks tired, sad, frightened. And a moment later he breaks the connection and averts his eyes. My eyes remain locked to his and I see who he's looking at.

And I realise that there's an obstacle. That I need to prove that _our_ love is for keeps. That whoever this is isn't the man for him. That I need to win him back.

_Again_!


	2. Chapter 2

There's not gonna be a miracle this time. No sunset ending. It's not a fairy tale, you know. This is real life. No surprise plane ticket, hidden in his pocket, is gonna solve this.

No, this time, I have to play an open hand. My cards on the table, for everyone to see, not just John Paul, but _him_ as well. I know it's not gonna be a fair game. The American can keep his cards under wraps, so I won't know what he has up his sleeve. Still, I know that my hand is strong. No, it's stronger than his. The fact is that I _know_ that John Paul truly loves me. I could see it in his eyes.

It was the fear.

I recognised it. Right away.

I didn't realise it until afterwards, when he introduced me to him, to Doug. It was the same fear I saw when I returned from holiday after my first year in Dublin. When I came back for him the first time around.

It was the fear of hurting someone he cares about. And I know it wasn't me he was worried about.

This won't make my challenge any easier, though. No, there's too much history there so I have to confront to convince him to follow his heart.

_Again_!

I have left him twice already – three times if you count that stupid Zante mess. I know that technically he left me at the airport the second time around, but the fact is that I also left him that day. I could have followed him back home, but I didn't. No, I finished my walk through security and on board that plane. The third time I left him was on that horrid coach where that woman sat down next to me and kept banging on about how bad the father of her kids was to all of them.

She should have known how it made me feel for what I'd just done.

Still, I didn't stop the bus or return right away. No, yet again I finished my trip, constantly wishing I could turn back time, or that he'd still be there when I returned.

But he was gone!

_Again_!

I'm staying in a hotel.

My mum begged me to stay at hers, but I need to keep a distance, to keep the focus on my goal. There are too many distractions over there, with Nancy and Darren's little one. I know it hurt her, but that's how it is. I might go and stay there when the mission is completed.

It's also a part of my tactics. I need Doug to think I'm only there for a short time. It will relax him, knowing that I'm not settling at my mum's.

I've been seeing Matthew every day since I've been back. Most of the time, it's just the two of us, in the park or at my mum's. His face is so much like John Paul's, but he has my eyes, so I don't really know who's the "real" daddy. It won't matter at the end of the day. He's _ours_! Mine and John Paul's. I know that now.

Not everything's going according to plan, though. More often than not, John Paul's not there when I pick up Matthew or take him back home. Sometimes it's Doug, but mostly it's Myra, who's there.

She knows my plans. Told me the first time it was just the two of us together with my son.

I think she's on my side.

It's not that she dislikes Doug. Or that she thinks the world of me.

No, she sees what I see – that John Paul's heart's not really in it – that he's settling for second best!

_Again_!


	3. Chapter 3

Today, Nancy told me what happened to John Paul at work, with his students.

I'd asked him to meet me for dinner, just the two of us, and I couldn't understand his reaction. He replied that it wouldn't be wise for him to be seen with another man in public; that he didn't even go out with Doug anymore because of his job. It was like he was back in the closet.

I couldn't believe it! How could anyone want to hurt this wonderful man?

Nancy gave me a not-so-subtle look when I asked her that.

Yes, I admit it. I have probably been the cause of most of John Paul's pain since we met. Sometimes even willingly. But I'd do anything to undo all that. So this is when my game plan goes out of the window ... when the reason for my being here changes. Completely.

Everything I've done since I've been back has been carefully thought out. I was going to bond with Matthew and prove to John Paul that this time it would be different.

Today, all that changed.

Don't get me wrong! I still want my John Paul back – but more importantly, it has to be my strong, confident, cheeky John Paul, not this scared broken person he has become.

And that's become my mission. To make him whole

_again_!

_Whether he comes back to me or not_.

I like Doug. He's funny… for an American. No, really, I'm joking, he's funny full stop.

And he's a nice guy. I can see why John would go for him.

We went for a drive today, the four of us, in my hired car.

Doug's Matthew's favourite.

… okay, it does bother me. But it's not the end of the world. I can feel that my son's bonding with me too, and that's important.

John Paul didn't say much to begin with. Doug and I did most of the talking and I felt John relax and eventually he joined in. We played a bit of footie while our son slept and finally the old John Paul could be seen. Doug's rubbish at football and in the end it really was just the two of us fighting for the ball, with Doug as goalie. I scored a couple more goals than John did, but his fighting spirit was back. We decided to do this again soon. I can't wait!

When I dropped all three of them off at the McQueen's I saw the pair of them holding hands as they walked from the car.

I guess it's a small step towards my new goal.

It made me smile.

It also made my heart hurt, though.

I want it to be me who's holding his hand.

_Again_!

John Paul rang me just now.

It's the first time he's done that since I've been back. We've spoken on the phone every day, I think, but it's always been me that made the call. My heart started racing as soon as I saw his name flashing on the screen. It made me feel good.

He was asking me to babysit Matthew this evening.

He's going out for a dinner with Doug, nothing posh and fancy, just a quiet dinner before the madness of McQueen Christmas hits in two days' time.

I said yes, of course. And no, I'm not sad that it's not me who's going out with him… well, perhaps a little, but mostly I'm just happy that he's going out in public.

Matthew's staying with me – in my new flat. Yes, I moved out of the hotel and rented a small flat in the village. No more hiding the fact that I'm here for a while. My son's here and I won't leave unless he comes with me. And you know what that means… ;)

He's a lovely kid. Can't believe I missed out on his first year like that. How could I be so stupid?

Jake has been trying to fix me up with some girls. I'm not having it. Not interested.

I tried to date a few people since we split up, even a lad. Not a thing worked out. The physical stuff's working, don't get me wrong, but up here, in my head, I'm not making any connections. I'm already plugged into him.

I've bought my boys their Christmas presents. Matthew's getting a big cuddly bear and a wooden hammer and pins. It might not make me the most popular person in the McQueen household. But it will remind them, _him_, of me every time the banging starts. John Paul's getting a rare vinyl record I know he always wanted to buy. I think it's the first ever House single. We saw it in this second-hand shop in Dublin a while back, but when he came back the next day with enough cash, it was gone. I found it on eBay last year and bought it, had kept it hidden at the back of the wardrobe until Christmas, but, you know, he was gone by that time.

This present is a clear message to him about my feelings. He'll get it. I'm planting a seed. Now let's hope that it manages to grow and blossom.

_Again_!


	4. Chapter 4

New Year's Eve at the McQueen's was fantastic.

Yes, I was invited around for dinner. Wore my new shirt that "Matthew" gave me for Christmas. It suits me – clearly John Paul still knows my taste and style. He smiled when he saw me wearing it. Matthew fell asleep around 10 as expected and after toasting the New Year at midnight, we all headed out to the new club, where The Loft used to be, except for Myra who stayed with the kids. John got a bit drunk, dragged me to the dance floor and while we were dancing he leaned towards me and whispered – well, I guess he had to shout for me to hear him – that he was glad I'm back, that we're friends again.

I didn't know how to feel about it at that moment. I was obviously ecstatic that he was glad to have me back in his life, but it worried me a bit that he might only see me as a friend now. So when he added that he _loved_ my present, my heart jumped up to my scull.

We're meeting later today in the Dog. It's his first day at work since before Christmas. I've actually started looking for a job. It's not gratis, life as a grown-up. Haven't found anything exciting yet, but I'll find something, at least to tie me over.

Doug will join us later. He has to close the shop, since his business partner's away at the moment. I'm not really certain how it fits, but apparently he's the gay ex-boyfriend of Sarah's kid sister, Amy! Weird!

I hope things are going well at work for John Paul. I can't stand the idea of him in pain. But how can I help? It's not like I can go in there and beat the crap out of everyone. Probably the only thing I can do is to be there for him, if things kick off again. Be his friend!

_Again_!

Doug's leaving!

I'm not joking! He's selling his part of the business and moving back to America.

Okay, let me rewind. John and I met for a drink earlier and just after he arrived, Doug texted him and asked him to come to the deli. I stayed behind and joined Darren at the bar while he went over to see him. A few minutes later John Paul rang me and told me that he wouldn't be back, that he'd call me again tomorrow. And that's what he did.

Apparently, Doug's father just died and he decided that it's time for him to go back. John sounded kind of calm about it when he told me. I didn't want to ask about the details of their conversation, only what he felt about the whole thing. He said he was fine, a bit sad to say goodbye, but not heartbroken or anything, that it wasn't as if he'd ever seen Doug as his future, just kind of nice, here and now.

I don't know how to handle this sudden change. A part of me wants to just jump with joy, shout out for the world to hear, but I'm also a bit worried that I will start pushing for things to develop more quickly for John Paul and me, so that I'll end up pushing him away. For good! Obviously he has to know that he owns my heart – that I'm his – and I think he does, but it has to be him that makes that decision.

I have to remain patient.

Meanwhile Matthew will be my priority. He called me "Dada" for the first time today! How cool is that? To be someone's 'Dada'!?

Mum adores him. I told her about Doug leaving. She just smiled and said, rather drily I might add, "That's him out of the way." She hasn't asked about my plans. She knows what I want. Doesn't have to ask. Knows it's the only right option for me. The only option.

_Funny that_, _ay_?

My mobile vibrates in my pocket as I push Matthew's buggy through the park gate. It's on silent in case he falls asleep. I pick it up and check to see who's calling. It's a text.

"U take good care of him, alright! No more screw-ups?"

It's an unfamiliar number. I ring back. No one answers, but after a few moments I'm taken to voicemail. I recognise the voice right away. It's Doug. I hang up and text him back.

"I will. If he wants me! But don't worry. I love him!"

A few moments later another text arrives. "He does. Just give him time. Take care. Nice knowing u."

"U2, m8 :)" I reply.

I find myself a bench and sit down as I check on Matthew. He's asleep. Usually does while being pushed in the buggy. Probably the motion calms him down. I was the same according to mum.

I slowly rock the buggy back and forth as I reread the texts. Doug surprised me. I never would have believed he'd hand in the towel like that. Guess he knows and understands more than I gave him credit for.

Does this mean that John Paul and I are finally back on square one? Both of us free agents, no girlfriends or boyfriends? The same place where we were before Sarah and Hannah, Kieron and Doug? Where we should have realised that it was each other we wanted?

I will not mess it up!

_Again_!


	5. Chapter 5

We went to the cinema yesterday.

It was kind of unexpected. I mean, I was going by myself to see the new Hunger Games film. I know it's not "new new", as it's been playing for a while now, but to me it was new, as I hadn't seen it yet. Anyway. I'd asked John Paul to join me, but he'd said that he couldn't. So I was surprised when he came up to me in the queue to the ticket office. He'd changed his mind and Theresa agreed to babysit at the last minute.

It turned out he hadn't seen the first one so I had to continuously answer questions about this and that he didn't understand. People around us were clearly not amused. We, on the other hand, were. We laughed about it the entire way home.

God, I've missed that, us two just hanging out together, laughing, being mates. I've realised that's probably what drove us apart in Dublin. Little by little we just stopped being mates. We were too busy with studying and then with work, too busy being a couple. We'd go out to romantic dinners, not paintball – to Homebase, not HMV. Not that romance isn't good and necessary, but we were mates first – and we lost that.

At the end of the night we went for a pint in the Dog. Actually we walked past a gay bar in town and I was about to ask him whether he felt like having one there, but saw how uncomfortable he became and quickly changed it to the Dog. I'll take him there later, though. He needs to get over this.

I know I don't really identify as gay – bi perhaps – but whatever. _He_ does, and regardless of whether he wants to be with me or not, he'll have to start living…

_again_!

I got a job.

Jack arranged it. I'd asked him for a few shifts in the Dog just to get some extra cash, and he started asking about my future plans. I told him I wasn't sure, but for now I didn't have any intention of leaving. He then told me that the brewery they belong to was looking for a regional manager, and with my degree I'd be sure to get it. Optimistic much!

Anyway, I sent them an application with my CV. I didn't get the job, of course, but they offered me a paid internship as an assistant to the new manager, as they said I had "a clear potential to become an important part of their operation." How about that?

The bad thing is that it means no more mornings or early afternoons with Matthew. Good thing is that now John Paul will always be there as well whenever I spend time with our son. We can start becoming a family. I'll miss our private time together, though – it's amazing how close Matthew and I have become in just three months.

We've done all sorts. Gone to the park regardless of the weather. Visited my family. Hung around at the McQueen's. I've even taken him to play with other kids his age with a group of young mums that meet twice a week. They were all kind of impressed that I'd join them as the only daddy. One or two of them tried to organise some private play dates, but I just laughed it off. Thought about telling them I'm gay, but that's not fair, is it? I can't really claim being gay just when it suits me, can I? In the end I just told them I was taken.

_That's what I am_!

Good one, John!

Today he took that bull by its horns.

Apparently, he finally had enough of how some of his students continued to behave, even after the trouble they were in the previous year, and confronted them about it. He told me that he realised that he basically had nothing to lose and just sat down and asked them what it was about him that bothered them so much that they continued to interrupt his teaching.

Now, I wasn't there, but I can definitely understand why they'd be embarrassed when asked that plainly why they're not allowing him to do his job properly. He told me that at first there was some muttering as no one could look up from his or her desk, until one of them, a hard-working boy, looked up and said, "Nothing, sir. I think you're a really good teacher – whenever there's peace and quiet to learn something in here." And then it seemed that just because one person had spoken up on his behalf, more joined in while all the negative voices remained quiet and the positive ones finally could be heard.

I could see that a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. I just hope it's not a one-off. You can't understand how proud of him I am, and I told him so. I was with Matthew when he came home from work, and believe me, it's years since I've seen him smile like that.

I gave him a hug and it felt like forever before he withdrew from it. The longest hug we've shared since I've been back. God, it made me feel good, so good that the emptiness I felt afterwards couldn't overshadow it. He then ran upstairs and came bouncing back with a football, shouting at me to get our son ready to go out for a kick-about.

These were his words.

_Our son_!


	6. Chapter 6

I started my job today.

My boss seems cool. He just started himself last week and told me in confidence that he's still just as lost as I am. He's around 40, I guess, perhaps a little older, and has been working as a manager of a hotel in Manchester for the last five years. This job is quite different, as he is responsible for I don't know how many pubs in the area. I'll sure have to know the number soon, if I'm to keep up with my own job. Wasn't that keen on it, to be honest, but I saw a totally new side to this business today, and am certain that I'll enjoy it. Did a bit of a headless-chicken run today, though.

Had a drink with my colleagues afterwards. Only a couple of pints. Don't want to make a bad impression on the first day, ay? My boss – his name's George – left at the same time as me. Guess he's not keen on getting drunk with his staff. Couple of other people left as well, but most stayed behind. I'll see how late they're staying from the way they'll look tomorrow,

Went straight to the McQueen's afterwards. They'd just had their tea, Myra was doing the dishes, while John Paul was looking after Matthew and Kathleen Angel in the living room. Matthew's walking – or should I say running? He barely seems to walk at all, just goes everywhere at maximum speed – has improved immensely. Hardly any wobbles and they've had to remove every sharp or fragile object out of his reach. Didn't realise it myself until I saw him about to throw my IPad, which I'd put on the coffee table, across the room. John Paul just froze and I was about to shout at Matthew. Thank God Myra appeared all of a sudden, giving me a stern look to keep quiet, while asking Matthew sweetly to come over and hand it to her, praising him for being such a good and helpful little boy. He did so, very proudly, I might add.

She then turned around and went back to the kitchen area, as I sank back into the sofa, next to John Paul, trying to calm down from the adrenalin rush. He patted my thigh and made a sigh of relief himself, while reminding me why the flat seemed barren from three feet down.

I'm sure not to make the same mistake

_again_!

Mum's babysitting Matthew and Oscar this weekend.

Nancy and Darren are going away for the entire Easter weekend and since she agreed to babysit for them, she asked whether she shouldn't make a nice weekend out of it for my Matthew as well. After all she has Tom and Charlie to help with the little ones.

She then suggested that I'd take John Paul somewhere nice. I wasn't certain whether it was a good idea, whether it's the right time. I decided to ask him anyway, rather tentatively, though.

He asked what I had in mind.

I told him … oh, okay, I don't really know what I told him, became quite flustered and stuttered a lot until he quietly said, "Breathe," over the phone. It calmed me down, so I could gather my thoughts. I suggested that we'd drive to Wales. That we wouldn't have to stay the entire long weekend, but could just go early Saturday and be back Sunday evening, so he wouldn't be more than one night away from Matthew. It was actually him that suggested that we'd just return on the Monday, that it wouldn't be good to get Matthew back just before his bedtime.

So that's what we agreed. Matthew's coming to stay with me on the Friday to get him used to sleeping here, and then we'll leave when he's settled with mum on Saturday.

Guess there's no escaping what's coming next.

_The talk_!

We're on the A483.

We managed to have lunch at my mum's and Matthew was playing with Oscar when we made ourselves disappear and headed down to the car we're renting for the weekend. It's just under two hours before we'll reach Barmouth, a lovely seaside town where the tourist season is just about to start. I've been there once with my family, long before I met John Paul, and I remember running around the shore with Debbie, Steph and Jake.

I'm driving. John Paul's not taken his driver's licence yet, but I've had mine since I was old enough to drive. He's promised me that he won't fall asleep. Instead, he's gonna be the deejay – changing radio stations whenever we don't like the song.

We've been driving for half an hour and the signal for the radio station we're listening to goes out. He doesn't seem to realise so I say his name: "John… John Paul?"

He's not asleep, like I'd thought. Instead, the sound of his name seems to awaken him from his thoughts, and he turns his head, eyes open, to look at me. He doesn't say anything for a while, but puts down the volume without averting his gaze.

I remove my eyes off him and to the road ahead. There are all sorts of animals that cross these narrow roads, and you never know when a car can come out of nowhere.

I'm surprised when he finally speaks.

"Craig, do you think there's a chance for us…

_again_?"


	7. Chapter 7

I wasn't ready for this.

A part of me wanted to just blurt out: "What do you think?" but I knew I had to keep my cool and manage the conversation. So I said:

"John… John Paul… I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. I know I haven't always shown it properly but it's the truth. The time we've spent apart taught me that much…"

"But Craig?" He interjected. "We…"

I stopped him. "Please, John Paul, let me finish." I said this calmly. "You asked me a question and I'd like to say my piece. Okay?" I looked at him expectantly.

"Okay," he agreed, probably reluctantly. I know how difficult it is for him to wait and listen while someone else speaks, so I know I should try and do this quickly. He's a little impatient like that ;)

"What I was trying to say is this. John Paul, you are my best friend in the whole wide world. You were my boyfriend, my lover, for years, and you will always be the love of my life. I can only hope that we'll make a life together. And it doesn't matter to me whether it is as boyfriends … partners … again, or whether it will be as best friends, raising our boy. Well, of course, it does matter, but you know what I mean. I'd be happy just to be a part of your life. But I will always hope for us."

I stop talking and wait for his reaction.

He doesn't speak

_for a while_.

"Craig, I…"

He finally starts talking. My heart stops beating.

"I don't know what to say … what I want. A part of me wants to just say 'yes – yes', but I'm scared and …" he stops again.

I remain quiet. I know it's his turn to speak and I won't push him.

I keep my eyes on the road, stay silent while I drive on. I can feel his turmoil as he sits there, on my left hand side.

"Just say it, John," I finally whisper.

"I'm scared and I'm angry. There, I've said it. I wish we could just get back together, and that would be it. But I don't think that I can."

I have to fight back the tears. I can't look at him.

Where was a rest stop when you really needed one?

_Where_?

I know he's crying.

He's not making any sound, but he's turned his face to the left and I just know he is.

Silent tears are also running down my cheeks.

This wasn't supposed to go like this!

Finally we reach the village of Bala. I see a parking lot next to a shop and make a turn for it. I park the car and switch off the engine.

He doesn't turn to face me, but I turn towards him.

I take his left hand and bring it to my face, to my lips. I kiss his hand as I wipe the tears off my face.

"Be angry, John Paul, be as angry as you need to be. Just tell me!" I whisper pleadingly.

He slowly turns around.

I was wrong.

He wasn't crying.

He's still sad, but looks like … what?

Like he's empty.

And that's when my heart breaks,

and I start crying

_again_.


	8. Chapter 8

I totally misjudged this … misread him.

I thought our hanging out together … becoming close again … meant that he wanted me again.

I guess he doesn't.

He ends up holding me in his arms while I cry. We then go for a long walk around the village while I try to collect myself.

I ask if he wants to skip the trip, to go back home, but he says "no". He does want to spend time with me. And then he starts talking.

"Craig. I said I was angry. You don't know how stupid I felt … behaved … after you left me on that bus that day. Do you have any idea how it made me feel, ay? I mean, five years together just thrown away like that. And you just packed your things and left me … on a bus. And then it's what? A year? And you expect me to be ready to get back together? I mean, I'm glad you're back, don't get me wrong. Not just for Matthew, but for myself. You are … have always been … my best friend too, and I missed you like crazy while you were gone But I've moved on. I've had to. And I think we're done. As a couple, I mean."

That's when I see it.

It's there in his eyes.

The uncertainty.

He doesn't mean what he's saying.

I know that now!

It's back on…

_again_!

We drove the rest of the way in silence.

Amicable silence.

In fact, John Paul fell asleep and was soon resting his head on my shoulder.

It made me happy.

The hotel room is nice. We'll be sharing a bed for the first time in over a year. I didn't specify a twin room when I made the booking … didn't think of it … and neither of us raised the topic when we saw the double bed in the room.

I'm looking forward to it. Not that I'm expecting sex. No, to feeling his warmth next to me, the familiar shape, the smell of him. God, I've missed that, and I have to control myself as not to start crying just from thinking about it. It's like I finally realised how much I've missed him physically. No, again, not the sex part … well, that too … but what I'm talking about is the way that my body had missed him, not just my heart and my mind.

"So what do you think? Should we?" He looks at me expectantly as I realise that I've been lost in my own thoughts.

"Wha…?" I clear my throat, "Sorry, what did you say?"

He laughs.

"I was just suggesting that we'd go for a walk down to the beach, before having dinner. We could have some coffee or ice-cream if you'd like?"

"Sounds good," I nod my head, "Perhaps some chips would be good. I'm a bit peckish."

"Chips are good," He agrees. "Ready?"

It's not long before we've reached the shore. Barmouth is even more picturesque than I remembered. It's smaller than I recalled, too. Our hotel is only a fifteen-minute walk from the old town centre. The town is under a mountain and I feel a need to go hiking kicking in so I suggest that to John Paul, that we go 'mountain climbing' tomorrow. He looks in that direction and agrees. It'll be a nice day out.

"So no drinking tonight, I guess?" He adds.

"Well, we can have a pint or two, I'm sure," I argue before agreeing, "but you're right. No getting drunk, at least!"

"And I thought you were gonna try and have your wicked way with me, while I was under the influence," he jokes.

I laugh as I watch him, hopefully without being too obvious.

How can I reply to that?

_How_?

We stuck to it.

The couple of pints, I mean. We stayed out for a while before going back to the hotel. Then it was a lovely dinner before we found ourselves a table in one of the small and cosy pubs down by the main street.

An apparent hen-night came our way and we chatted with them a little. Okay, it's probably more correct to say that I chatted with them a little. John Paul mostly sat there looking at us, an amused look on his face. When I saw that he was about to finish his second drink I quickly emptied my glass and rose to my feet, asking him whether we should head back to the hotel.

He gave me a look which I interpreted as the question 'You're sure you don't want to stay longer and get to know them a little bit better?' and I just smiled back at him, slightly shaking my head in reply.

As he stood up and headed for the toilet I was certain I saw a relieved smile there.

_But what do I know, ay_? It's not like I've read the whole situation correctly.

So now we're here. Back in our hotel room. He's brushing his teeth and I'm just drying myself off after a quick shower. It's a bit hilly around here and I felt a little sweaty after the walk. Didn't want to smell badly throughout the night.

Yes, you're right. We're both in our bathroom, going about our business. Just like old times.

John Paul finishes up at the basin and then takes off the rest of his clothes and heads for the shower.

I can't help taking a peek.

He's still as beautiful as ever. Perhaps looking a little thinner than before. His skin tone hasn't changed, though, and my … and my, that bum … I have to avert my eyes and try to think about something else if I'm not gonna make the situation embarrassing.

Still, before I know it, I'm watching him

_again_.


	9. Chapter 9

I wake up before him.

And I feel whole for the first time in months.

You see, we're spooning. I'm holding him in my arms, his hands in mine, my morning glory resting against the end of his spine. Somehow, in the middle of the night our bodies found their way together in the position that I remember longing for back before we got together properly.

God, I've missed this. How did I manage to lose sight of this?

I close my eyes and decide to stay like that, whether I fall asleep again or not.

I want him to realise this as well.

That's when he speaks.

"I know you're awake, Craig."

I feel the tension rising in my body – the need to let go – but I don't. There must be a reason why he didn't leave my arms before I woke up.

"So?" Is all I manage.

He giggles, "Nothing really. I just woke up a few minutes ago and didn't want to wake you up so decided not to move."

"You sure that's the only reason?" I get my courage back. I'm not gonna lose this golden opportunity to point out to him that he wants me as much as I want him.

Obviously without telling him directly!

He doesn't reply. He doesn't deny it either! Instead he starts talking about our plans to go hiking.

I decide not to press the matter and join in discussing our plans for the day.

I'm happy.

_We're still spooning, you see!_

I've always loved watching John Paul eating, especially a full English breakfast. That boy sure has an appetite in the morning. Nothing like me who has to force myself to eat at this time of day. Especially today, as we're going for a hike. I know it's no Kilimanjaro, but it's still a reasonable climb and you wouldn't want to do it on an empty stomach.

We finally managed to get ourselves out of bed and get ready to go out. John Paul showed me his very nice brand-new hiking boots, while I only brought my old ones. Have to admit that I'm a bit envious of his new gear, but I can't help wondering… Anyway, he looked perfectly the part when we left our hotel room and headed for the breakfast room.

I ask one of the hotel staff about the best way up the mountain and she tells me that it's not gonna take that long, as long as we stick to the signposted route. She indicates the way from the hotel to where we should start the ascension and we take off.

She's right. It doesn't take long until we see the signs describing which way to go. There's also a clearly marked pathway so I'm not worried that we'll get lost. Before we know it, we're half way up the mountain. And we're not the only ones there.

Some of the girls from the hen party have clearly had the same idea. How they managed to get out of bed, considering their state the previous night, is beyond me, but I don't ask. Still, they're clearly not as fresh as me and John Paul, since it's us who catch up with them. They're still in good spirit and very talkative. One in particular is very flirty towards John Paul.

He just laughs it off, but I still feel the jealousy boil.

I wonder whether he felt any last night when the shoe was on the other foot.

Suddenly I find myself having had enough and I realise that I've snapped at her.

"You're barking up the wrong tree, love!"

_What just happened?_

I still don't know what came over me.

The only thing that I know is that all of them are now looking at me. John Paul with a shocked expression, yet somehow there's a glint of amusement in his eyes.

I'm left speechless and it's him who takes control of the situation, basically saving my neck.

"Craig's right, Joan … I'm gay."

I feel a relief as he smiles at me.

"And Craig's my ex-boyfriend." He adds. "And the father of my son, I might add."

"Well, clearly the ex-part is not that clear to him," the girl, who I've been reminded is called Joan, points out, "I sense some jealousy there."

The other girls nod in agreement while John Paul just continues to smile at me sweetly. Well, does he have a non-sweet smile, I ask myself.

Whether he does or not his smile calms me down and I decide to lay the cards on the table.

"Yes, we're not together anymore, but that doesn't mean that I still … that I still don't love him and want him back. And I want him and our son to be a family. That's what I want with all my heart. So I'm sorry if I get a bit jealous when other people are trying it on with him, when it's me … when it's me …"

My eyes fill with tears, preventing me from continuing, and before I know what I'm doing, I'm storming off, up the mountain.

Leaving him behind. _Again_.


	10. Chapter 10

Why did I do that? I have NO idea! One moment we were just having this banter and then all of a sudden I was just furiously angry. Yet at the same time I realised what everyone else was experiencing.

The only way I can explain it is the way I suddenly felt so sad, and I didn't want anyone else to realise that. I know it's weird and stupid, but there and then, it felt totally real and true! And now I'm left by myself, heading up the rest of the hill, each step heavier than the previous one, but I keep my pace, as I didn't want the girls to catch up with me. All the time, I'm hoping that he does, hoping that he's run away from them to join me.

The weird thing is that little by little my mind starts feeling lighter. Yes, I'm embarrassed by my own behaviour earlier, but at the same time I … I realise that I've completely and utterly laid all my cards on the table. I've said exactly what I want and there's no way for John Paul to misunderstand it. He can do whatever he wants with it, but I can't make it any clearer. And I start feeling kind of happy.

Does that make sense?

For the first time since storming off I stop my ascension. Slowly I turn around. Not only to check whether I can see him, but also just to take in the surroundings. The scenery is beautiful. And no, it's not because I can see John Paul. In fact, I can't see him at all. The town looks tiny from this height, and it's not as if I'm that far up. The sea is the greenest shade of blue I've ever seen and on the other side I'm certain that I can see Ireland. And the tears well up in my eyes again. How could I… how could we lose sight of the thing we had over there?

All of a sudden I hear voices. I look in their direction and realise that I'm sat down where I'd been standing moments before. It's the girls again.

But no John Paul.

"Hi-ya," one of them greets me rather quietly as they get nearer. I realise it's the one that was flirting with him. "How you holding up, pet?" I notice that she silently urges the others to go on before she takes a seat next to me.

"I'm sorry I upset you before, pet. I …"

I interrupt her before she continues.

"It's not your fault. It's my own. I don't know what came over me earlier." I try to apologise.

"Oh, I know what came over you, don't get me wrong, pet. It's called jealousy, pet. But don't you fret. No harm done. Not to me, at least." She puts her left arm around my shoulders and pulls me towards her. "So, why did you storm off like that, pet?"

And it's the touch of this stranger who calls me pet that brings me the strength that I need to go back for him.

Who cares about reaching the peak when _he_'s somewhere further

_down_?

***

I find him around the place where I left him. He hasn't gone that far. It looks as if he's been sat there for a while, probably thinking about what to do. About me! I start feeling stupid again.

"John… John Paul?" It's almost a whisper that escapes my lips as I approach him. And it's as if he doesn't register right away that someone's said his name. Slowly, though, he turns his face towards me and I can see the weariness in his eyes. He doesn't reply, but turns back to look out over the sea that I'd been watching earlier.

I take a seat on his left and sit there silently.

"Dublin's somewhere over there, you know." He suddenly states, kind of out of the blue. "You know something stupid I've never told you before?"

He doesn't wait for me to reply before continuing.

"Back when I was a kid, when my mum was telling me about all the horrors in Northern Ireland, with IRA and the loyalists, as a catholic I felt much more connected to Ireland, that I always believed the "real" Ireland to be the one closest to Chester, and Northern Ireland to be in the south-west corner of Ireland. And I know the clues in the name!"

I couldn't help but laugh and he soon joined me, before becoming serious again.

"And that's kind of how I feel at the moment. I'm so close to you, you know, you've been in my life … been my life … for such a long time, and I can't help but wonder whether I'm repeating that misunderstanding. That I'm mistaking closeness in here," he points at his heart, "for the reality in here," now pointing at his head,

_"again."_

***

So it's the geography of feelings I'm battling, I realise.

It's strangely a relief.

I know I can't physically move mountains, or in John Paul's case the northern part of Ireland to the south-west of the island, but I'm now convinced that I can replant the feelings he's admitted to have for me in his heart in his head. I only need time and will-power to do so.

To convince him that I'll never hurt him again. That he'll never doubt me again!  
No small task then, ay?

We're still sat there, next to each other. I haven't said anything to contradict his statement. I know he's gagging for me to comment, but I've decided that I won't.  
Instead I present my right hand towards him, in an open palm.

He slowly looks at me, a small smile on his lips, before he raises his left arm and presses his hand towards mine. We lock hands and smile at each other as we set to pull each other up. The result:

We both fall down to where we'd been sat.

Another result:

Laughter.

"Craig!" It's John Paul who's the first to talk. "What're you like?"

"Oy!" I can't stop myself. "It's not my fault you can't keep your balance!"

"What about you? It's not just me who's got wobbly feet, you know!" He retorts.

"Well, at least mine are not cold anymore!" I reply, not fully realising what I've just said.

"So you admit that you did have cold feet?" He asks me calmly before asking: "So Craig, what was it you really wanted?"

How can I reply to that?

_'Help!?'_


	11. Chapter 11

No help comes immediately.

John Paul is still there looking me in the eye, but I realise the humour. He's not there to judge me. Not here and now, at least.

I decide to reply openly, not to hide. There have been too much of hiding from my side since we got together.

'John Paul, how long have we known each other?' I don't wait for a reply. 'Almost eight years, right?' I still don't wait. 'And when did I ever NOT shy away from saying what I really felt for you? Really?'

Tears roll down my face as I confront my treatment of the person who is and will always be the love of my life. Who knew that realising one's feelings was as sudden and emotional as this?

I sense that he is about to speak, so I interrupt him.

'John… John Paul… wait! I want to finish. When we first met at school, I was surprised by you. I mean, here was this young, confident guy, who seemed to have the world at his feet… who wasn't scared of Justin or Sonny … who actually just seemed to like _me_, to be interested in becoming _my_friend.'

I pause for a moment.

'I'd never experienced that. You know that, John! You're my first friend who's a boy… God, that sounds even weirder than it is, but really, that's how it is: You are my first BOY friend, John Paul.'

I giggle at the expression, and feel him join me quietly.

'And then I actually found out you liked… no, that you LOVED me, John Paul. You loved me! And at the same time Sarah liked me. No, loved me as well. How can a guy like me, who's never had real friends, deal with being loved by two people? Who loves me the most? And who do I love the most?'

'_Who_?'

***

'So, yes, that's why my feet were cold, so to speak.' I admit, before continuing. 'I'd never really felt gay, in the way you've explained it to me, as you know. We've spoken about it often enough.'

I look him in the eye and I see a question form.

It takes him a while to put it into words, but finally it happens, and he whispers audibly.

'Okay, Craig. We've discussed it often enough. I admit it, I fell in love with you the moment I laid eyes on you, but to me the question remains, why and when did you fall in with ME? After all, you had Sarah, and also you don't see yourself as gay, so, why and how did you fall in love with me? How did you realise your love for me was stronger than your love for Sarah, or for any other woman, for that matter?

I'm a little taken aback by this question.

Not because I've never thought about it myself, but because I've actually wondered about it so often.

I remember, back then, after John Paul offered to make himself disappear, to leave Chester, after admitting he was in love with me, that I didn't fully understand why I didn't accept the offer. After all, I didn't reciprocate the feelings, did I? At least, I didn't realise I did. At the same time it took me a long time to realise that I actually followed him out of Hannah's party to find out what was wrong with him, rather than confront what had happened between my girlfriend and her ex.  
So when he admitted his feelings, I was stunned, shocked, but, yes, I realised later that I was intrigued.

That I was interested.

'Truthfully, I'm not completely certain. I liked you from the moment we met, but I don't think I was interested in you in a sexual and emotional way until after you'd told me you loved me – after you opened my eyes to it being a possibility. But _how_ and _why_, I can't say. I mean, you were always very special to me so the why you is kind of obvious, but the how, I guess was gradual, with realising that I didn't want you to be with, not just Spike, but anyone else than me. And little by little I also found out that I couldn't imagine my life without you by my side, as my partner.'

I fall quiet for a moment and look at John Paul. He remains silently expectant, so I gather my thoughts and continue.

'I know I treated you and poor Sarah horribly, but I was just too scared. I knew well enough which one to choose, but fear kept me from making that choice. Until it was all out in the open and I finally _could_ make that choice. When it actually had become an option!'

'Sorry about that.' John Paul whispers sheepishly.

'Don't be, John Paul. That was the best thing you did for me. I mean, it was a bit harsh, I admit, the way you did it.' I look down, giggling at the thought. 'But there was no other way, I guess. You gave me the possibility of happiness. That's quite a gift, you know.'

I raise my head towards him.

He's crying.

And for the first time I appreciate how much he's regretted his actions, outing me and breaking Sarah's heart in the process.

The price of my freedom: Sarah's heartbreak and John Paul's remorse.

I must make him understand my gratitude, my appreciation,

_my love_.

***

'Nothing's like the first pint, ay?'

John Paul expresses exactly what I was thinking. The beer trickles smoothly down my throat and I feel the tension evaporate from my body. We're sitting in the hotel bar, fresh from showering, enjoying a drink before dinner.

We'd hiked back down the mountain in an amicable silence. I felt him relax after our conversation and I think he has finally started not only to believe in the strength of my feelings for him but also to forgive himself for hurting Sarah. At least I hope he has. He needs to in order to move on with his own feelings.

'So Craig, what's the plan?' He suddenly asks.

'Uh, dinner and a few drinks?' I suggest hesitantly, not fully sure I'm replying to the right question.

I turns out I'm not mistaken – about being hesitant, that is.

'Not tonight, but in general. Life!' He explains. 'What's the plan after we get back home?'

'We continue taking care of Matthew, working, hanging out … together.' I suggest. 'What're you thinking?'

'Yeah, about the same. I'd like to keep hanging out … together.' He adds the last word before quickly continuing. 'Not that we're back together, Craig. I'm not ready for that. Don't know if I ever will. Sorry.' The last word is accompanied by an apologetic shrug.

I'm not. Sorry. What he's just said is music to my ears. I know he's not ready yet. But it's proof that he's at least contemplating it. He just made my night

_again_.


	12. Chapter 12

Well, the next bit took no time at all! Hope you enjoy!

Tonight's the night.

It's Friday, May Day bank holiday weekend and I'm gonna take John Paul out. Yes, out out. To a gay bar. He doesn't know it, but I've found out there's one in Chester, called the Liverpool Arms. I don't think he's ever been there, but the name should help convince him to join me. ;)

The last couple of weeks have been brilliant. We had a really nice time on Easter Sunday before heading home where Matthew welcomed us like we'd returned from war. I could have imagined him going out to slaughter a lamb to welcome his prodigal fathers, he was that happy to see us! Since then things have been plodding along fine, we've had loads of laughs, spent lots of time together and all the drama that happened in Wales just seems to have changed everything between us. We're much more open with each other, not shying away from saying what we're really thinking.

So tonight we're meeting for drinks after work. I asked Nancy to find a reason to meet in the Pied Bull pub, which is just a few steps away from the Liverpool Arms, so distance won't be an excuse for him when I suggest we go there. Manipulative, yes, but it's all for a good course, right?

It was actually Darren who came through for me. He arranged a girls' only karaoke night in the Dog, starting at five, so there was no option for us to meet in the village pub. He then managed to get Esther and Tom to mind Matthew, Oscar and Charlie. Also, Esther's girlfriend Tilly's coming home from college for the long weekend so she'll help. It's all sorted. Well, actually, John Paul thinks it's Myra and Carmel who're gonna babysit, but they refused to miss the karaoke, so they decided to partake in the deception, instead. Anyway, Darren and Nancy are only gonna stay for a few drinks and then they'll go back and take over while I continue the "pub crawl" with my guy.

When all these practicalities were sorted, it was actually Nancy who came up with the real reason to meet in town for drinks – she'd been offered and accepted a job at the local BBC station.

So of course, John Paul couldn't refuse to join us there. Well, he might think that there are a few more people joining us to celebrate, but anyway, when we're there, I'm sure I can wing it.

[I]I can't wait[/I]!

'Oh no, Carmel. He's been throwing up all over Myra?'

God, this is ridiculous! Darren couldn't act his way out of pantomime, even if there was an Oscar statue waiting for him at the other end. Even weirder is the fact that John Paul seems to be buying into it. He's looking very troubled and I worry that he'll demand to go home as well. I look at Nancy and am certain she's thinking the same thing as me. She quickly nods and then grabs the phone from her husband.

'Hi Carmel, it's Nance. Is Charlie alright?' She pauses for a bit, clearly timing her responses to the expected information. 'Oh, okay, he's just had a bit too many sweets, right. Yes, this happens to kids when they're allowed to just eat and eat and eat.'

All this shenanigans scare me. Okay, don't go overboard, Nance. Reel it in or John Paul won't trust his mum and sister to ever mind our son again.

Yes, our son, you don't know how special it feels to think those words.

Anyway, back to the scene that's unfolding around me.

'Yeah, the little ones are alright, though, right?' She pauses for effect. 'Okay Carmel, Darren and I will be home soonish. Just give Charlie a lot of water, so he won't dehydrate, and tell him no more sweets tonight. And give him a big hug from me, will you, and tell him we'll be there soon.' She listens to what Carmel's supposedly saying on the other end. 'You're a star, Carm. Exactly. Oscar and Matthew are sleeping alright?' She waits for a few seconds. 'Brilliant, Carm. I'll tell John Paul. I'll be there soon, okay? Just give Charlie a hug and tell him we're on our way.' A very short pause. 'Yeah, of course, Carm.' She moves her phone away from her head and whispers to John Paul. 'Matthew's asleep. No problem with him. Off like a light an hour ago.' She returns her attention to the phone. 'Okay, darling, see you soon. Bye.'

'I guess we should start heading home.' It's Darren who's putting his chip in. 'You'll stay in town though, it's just Charlie that's not well.'

God, Darren, can you be any more obvious?

'I don't know, Darren, if Charlie's unwell, it might only be minutes before it's Matthew's turn. I guess we should go home. What do you think, Craig?'

John Paul's actually asking me for advice regarding our son. I need to get this one right.

'Of course, John Paul, if he's ill we need to go back right away. Let me call your mum first, though. Get her point of view, okay?' I cross my fingers that he'll agree to my idea.

He does.

'Okay, call her, Craig!'

I pick up my mobile and ring Esther's number. Get off my case, people, I'm doing this for us, and besides, there's nothing wrong with any of the boys. It was just Tom calling Darren at an arranged time, but the idiot hadn't thought it through how to make him and Nancy scarce.

'Hi sweetie, it's Craig.' That's my name for Esther since I met her. She really is a sweet kid. Has gone through horrible times, but I'm just in awe of her, I have to admit. Wish I'd had her courage. 'It's Craig.' I continue to talk, ignoring what she might be about to say, 'the little ones are alright, aren't they?'

I hear her agreeing, but I need to continue, surprising her.

'It's only Charlie's who's ill, right, Myra?' I hear Esther's surprise, but have to continue. 'Yeah, that's what Carmel said. Both sleeping?' I smile at John Paul in affirmation. 'Okay, Myra. We'll see you soon, hopefully in the morning.'

'Since when do you call my mum "sweetie"?' he asks as soon as I've hung up.

'Since she's been the grandmother of our son. Or havent' you noticed?' I state confidently, well aware that it's a blatant lie.

He buys it, though, fortunately, and asks, 'So where are we heading after this?'

I pretend to be taken off-guard before replying, 'Yeah, oh, just down the road to the Liverpool Arms.'

[I]What will he say[/I]?

'Liverpool Arms?' He replies uncertainly. 'Isn't that a…?'

I stop the question before it's finished.

'Yeah, a fan bar for the club, I think. Saw it on my way here. Looks alright.' Hoping he's not too familiar with the Chester gay scene. I mean, why should he, if he's never out, right?

'Right,' he replies sceptically. 'Okay, let's go there. Any players around, usually?'

I know he's trying to call my bluff, I but have to continue with the plan.

'I'm not certain, but from what I've read online, Gerrard's not unkown to visit.'

'I've heard about it. Supposed to be a good one.' Nancy chips in. 'You should go. Okay, Darren. Let's leave those rascals to it. Have fun!' She winks at me as she leans in to give me a kiss on the cheek.

'Yeah, right. Have fun. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.' Darren rises to his feet. 'Okay, mate.' He gives me quick hug before doing the same to John Paul. 'See you tomorrow.' He picks up his pint and finishes the remaining half in one gulp. He burps and then he's off, a laughing Nancy following him, telling him off for the bad manners.

A moment later it's only the two of us there.

'So you wanna finish your drink and head over?' John Paul asks as he picks up his drink and empties the glass.

I follow his lead and as I'm swallowing he rises from his chair and says, 'And I know it's a gay bar, Craig.' He winks at me before continuing, 'Let's go!'

I almost choke on my drink as I quickly stand up. I'm not gonna give him time to change his mind.

A few minutes later we're inside the first gay bar I've been to since way back in Dublin. There's a big crowd there and a blackboard on the wall says that there's a drag cabaret act on tonight, a Miss Penni Tration. I look at John Paul, worried that he might want to leave, but he's just smiling.

'So you gonna get me a drink?' He asks. 'Make it a Celine this time.'

'A what?' I asks.

'A Celine, that's vodka and Red Bull in a pint glass, with enough ice to sink the Titanic.' He replies giggling. 'Don't you think I know my way around a gay bar?' He winks at me before continuing. 'It's what Andrew used to drink when we went to The George. I feel it's appropriate here.' He's referring to a mate of his from uni who he used to hang out with in the first year.

'Right. One Celine coming up, mate.' I head over to the bar. It takes me quite a while to be served and when I finally return with the drinks, two Celines, John Paul's already engaged in an animated conversation with a good-looking, dark-haired lad, who looks to be a bit older than us.

I feel a pang in my stomach but quickly gather myself and join them, handing John Paul the drink. 'Here you are, my man.' Where did that phrase come from?

Judging by his expression, it's clear that John Paul's thinking the same thing. He doesn't comment, though, as he accepts and thanks me for the drink.

'This is Bryan, with a why. He teaches at another school in town. We met at a union meeting once. He's here with his partner, Les.' He points at a ginger-haired woman at a nearby table. She waves back and I nod and smile at her.

'Nice to meet you, Bryan.' I offer him my hand in greeting. 'What brings you guys here?'

'You too, Craig.' He already knows my name. Take that! 'Les's brother, Adam's celebrating his thirtieth. He always goes here.'

The conversation slowly turns to teaching and I log off, quietly enjoying my drink. I savour John Paul's enthusiasm, as I observe the crowd. Some are visibly more drunk than others, but everyone seems to be having a great time. It's clear that he fits in here. And so do I, I realise.

[I]So do I[/I].


	13. Chapter 13

It's been a great night. We've met some nice guys, had a real laugh. I've missed this. Even the drag act turned out to be brilliant. Always expected it to be weird watching a man in a frock lip-synching to some gay classics, but no, in fact this one really did all the singing 'her'self and was very funny, especially [I]Chubby Back[/I], her own version of the Justin Timberlake song.

I've just finished in the bathroom, on my way to the bar. It's my round again. I look in his direction and then I see it.

He's swapping numbers with Adam, the birthday boy. The pang in my stomach jolts me awake and I feel like I'm sobering up. I'm not ready for this, to see him move on. From me.

I stand there watching him for what feels like an eternity, until he notices me and nods in my direction, smiling. I sign to him that I have to get the drinks and go over to the bar.

We've gone over to beer again and I bring the pints to where he's standing. He eagerly accepts his drink and takes a sip before continuing his conversation with Adam. I remain quiet as I observe him.

He's so beautiful. Even more so than back at school when we met for the first time. Growing up suits him. There are some lines around his eyes that weren't there a few years ago. His lips are just as kissable as ever and I feel the urge to lunge for them.

I don't, however.

Instead I drink my drink in silence, not really enjoying it. I keep smiling, though. Wouldn't want to show him that I'm jealous. After all, it's not like we're back together. He's a free agent. That fact doesn't help, though.

"How about it? You wanna go?" I become aware that he's trying to get my attention. "Hey, what are you like? I was asking whether you'd want to join Adam and his friend, Neal, at a special bank holiday club night on Sunday." He explains.

"Yeah, that would be great." I manage to respond. "If we get someone to mind Matthew. [I]Our son[/I], remember him." I try not to sound as bitter as I feel.

"Don't worry about that, I'm sure we'll manage to get someone." He laughs and seems to have mistaken my words for a joke.

[I]There's no laughter in my heart.[/I]

The bank holiday weekend was good, I guess.

We had a wonderful time with Matthew, the weather was brilliant and we hung out in the park every day. Lots of laughter, but somehow my sadness never seemed to disappear. It's dawning on me that despite Matthew, we're moving away from one another. And it's all my fault. How did I not see what we had in time.

Sunday night didn't help either.

The music was fantastic, but there he was, dancing and flirting with Adam, most of the night. He did try to drag me to the dance floor once in a while, but I didn't feel like it. In the end he succeeded, though, and I almost managed to feel better. I guess it's true what they say about dancing your troubles away.

The following week was a nightmare. I was snappy everywhere, both at home and at work, and mum finally lost it on the Saturday and told me to get over myself, that other people had problems too. I stormed off and didn't cool down until I'd downed three pints of lager in the Dog.

This week was almost identical. Okay, I managed to control my temper and was hopefully not as difficult to be around, but the feeling of loss has just increased, if anything. I've seen him a few times because of Matthew, of course, but apart from that I've mostly tried to stay clear off him. I don't know how to behave, what to say to him. I can't believe that he's moving on. It's killing me.

I'm on my way to the Dog to meet Nancy. I rang her earlier and asked her to meet up, told her I needed advice. As I turn the corner I see him standing outside the pub. And he's not alone.

No, he's there with Adam.

Everything around me disappears as I watch their interaction, as if in slow motion. I remain frozen as they laugh and give each other a hug. Then Adam turns and walks away, in my direction. That's when he notices me standing there. He smiles and raises his hand to greet me across the pond. Then his smile disappears, overtaken by a look of worry and disbelief. I turn to run back, finally realising that tears are streaming down my face.

I hear him calling my name as I start running.

[I]"John Paul! John Paul!"[/I]

"John Paul, oy!"

He's caught up with me were I've sought shelter from the world, in the small alleyway.

"Oy, what's gotten into you?" He approaches me and grabs my shoulders, tenderly. "Why did you run off?"

I turn away from him, forcing myself free from his hands. "Craig, just leave it!"

He grabs me again and turns me to face him. He then takes my head into his hands. "Look at me! Look at me! What happened, John Paul? What's wrong?"

"Nothing happened. Nothing. I just realised that I'd forgotten something at home." I try, but he's not accepting this marvellous explanation.

"Tell me, John Paul!"

I realise there's no escape.

"I saw you with Adam." I state quietly.

"Yeah, he came round the pub for a drink." He explains matter-of-factly. "That's all?" He asks before realising. "That's why you've been off with me lately? Cause of him?"

"I haven't been off with [I]you[/I]!" I reply. "Just myself." The last two words are almost inaudible.

"What?" He asks in disbelief or confusion – I don't really know which. "Why? You're jealous? Of him?"

"You used to fance… you used to love me!" I stutter through the tears, my voice breaking halfway through the sentence. "When did you stop?"

"What?" He asks again, clearly in disbelief this time around.

"When did you get over me?" I continue. "How can you just give up, make yourself stop loving someone? I mean, you said you loved [I]me[/I]! You've told me so over and over since you've been back. And after everything you said in Wales, a couple of weeks later, you've just started seeing someone else. A guy as well, after everything you've said about not being gay. How could you?" I feel anger taking over, stopping the flow of tears.

"Seeing someone else? What do you mean?" Craig asks back before clarifying the situation. "I'm not seeing anyone else. I've meant every word I've said to you since I've been back."

"What about Adam?" I ask in confusion.

"What about him?" He asks back. "You think we're … what? He's a nice enough guy, but I'm not interested in him. He's just a mate. It's not like I have that many of them, you know." He jokingly states, before the shock of the revelation hits him. "You mean? John Paul, you mean what I think you mean? Are you sure?" It's now his turn to start bawling. "You don't want me to be with him? With anyone else? You still love me? Am I right? Tell me I'm right!" He pleads.

"Craig, I do. You're right." I whisper, smiling shyly at him. "I only wanna be with you! Only you! And I don't want you to be with anyone else but me!"

He takes my face in his hands and gives me the most gorgeous smile I've ever seen before kissing me on the lips. I feel every ounce of fear, anger and sadness leave my body as pure ecstasy takes over my entire being and I wrap my arms around him. Everything's finally right in the world

[I]again[/I]!

The End

That was it, I hope you guys are happy with the last part and that it worked with changing the point of view like this (and it goes for the entire part 13 - it's JP's POV). Thanks for reading and commenting!


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